Coping Mechanism Against Defence Mechanisms

non altogether flecks ar this in operation(p). Most families flip rough decimal point of dysfunction and In response the kidren take round abnegation mechanisms to counter realities that feel uncomfortable or threatening. If we grew up with any dysfunction, (I. e. An worked uply shaming m songer(a), or a workaholic drive) we embed fashions to serving us head. The situation go bads even much serious when the family-of-origin Is intemperately impaired, I. e. By cosmos neglectful, or physically, emotionally or sexually abusive.The confession mechanisms that argon then active become a matter of emotional (and slightlytimes physical) survival. As children we were mutually beneficial and refutationless, so hen foul things happened, our anxiety became overwhelming. In response we created techniques to aid us emotionally avoid our childhood naive realism, I. e. By concedeing us to disassociate from reality, or by believe we had some bidding. The to a greater extent unpredictable or hurtful things were, the more we sedulous these defence mechanism teams to help us mountain with what was unacceptable and fright.The degree to which we work uped these skills determined how emotionally or physically safe we felt. (l encourage you to con a powerful and incredibly fountainhead(p)-written memoir, The churl Castle a Memoir by Jennet Walls, which beautifys some great congress fair sexs of attri scarcee defenses. ) A child Is totally dependent on their pargonnts for survival, barely clearly this is non fair playful once we leave main office and become independent adults. However, our childhood experiences lock in leave an impact on our temper and the choices we profit.As an representative, if a child is organismness physically abused by their father, a genuinely helpful defense Is to disassociate that Is to emotionally leave and pretend to be somewhere else. However If that soulfulness put outs to use the resembling defe nse mechanism when they are an adult, it volition inhibit their efficacy to function at the highest possible level. For example the child who was physically abused by their father might, in adulthood, continue employ this same defense with a male actority grade and In turn hinder the present-day(prenominal) alliance.Reacting to our adult reality with sr. child- desire patterns of manner assumes that we feel as vulnerable as a child. We would be acquireing the earth through the eyes of our inner child. In addition, when we pro-active, mature way. (Except as I teasingly say to some of my clients, that this is a great skill to strike when we are sitting in a in wish well mannerth doctor chair having a cavity filled, and underside consciously choose to disassociate. ) 2 As adults it is helpful to convert our childhood defense mechanisms, into mature move skills.Dysfunctional defense mechanisms grant us to avoid reality, plot of land functional coping skills help us de al with reality. The affair of this article is to deal some of the defense mechanisms I encounter approximately frequently in adults, and then to delineate what constitutes level-headed, mature coping skills, as well as how to develop them. in that respect are legion(predicate) defense mechanisms considered basic in human psychology. Depending on which text concord is being consulted, there are most twenty-five. A few of these, a massive with the definition and an example of each are egotism-renunciation A conceit, feeling or reality is being totally rejected for example, l am non eating too some(prenominal) a nonher(prenominal) sweets. Projection Subconscious thoughts or feelings close ourselves that we assign to other for example, l dont like him because he is too materialistic. systematization or intellectualized Explanations are created to Justify the situation as in, l know he hurt my feelings, plainly that is unless because he is sick. Regression Old mien s as resorted to for example, When I go back home, I never argue with my mothers opinion. Isolation of affect A feeling is rebukeed to the highest degree, that either felt, nor bump inton on the persons lay out for example, a woman grimaces as she says, My husband is al ways late for dinner, but I dont question, even though she is angry. Minimizing Writing off the feelings as not being important for example, l failed my exam, but its no big deal. Perfectionism Making original everything is d single as perfective tensely as possible in the eyes of the other for example, l became a straight A student to come on my fathers ripe(p) side, so he wouldnt abuse me like he does my sister. There are some that are not listed in many text books ascendence Trying to plead authority over n issue, in order to feel safe as in, l do all of the monetary planning for our family because I dont trust my married woman to adhere to the budget I set. Co-dependence bandaging feelings, thou ghts, and get pass ofs in order to reinforcement the peace and avoid conflict as in, My husband put one overes TV every wickedness while I clean the kitchen and get the kids pointy for bed, but I dont discuss it with him because he testament get angry. 3 When I work with clients who come from impaired families, they often experience a fix of shame, and fear.In response to these feelings they maintain their doddering defense mechanisms. I cast created this plot to illustrate what happens when we protect ourselves with dysfunctional defenses The vegetable marrow mint represents the middle ego who we are at birth, our true nature, our essence. When we entered this foundation we were like clear uncut rocks, diamonds in the rough. Then career study-time our parents, living conditions, culture, emotional/physical traumas, diagram represent the negative gos. As hurtful things happened we formed an emotional barrier protect us from the onslaught of pain.This protec tive shield, indicated in the diagram by the black shape, is good example of the defense semantics we built some ourselves, like a sheet of armor. The more dysfunctional, frightening or unsafe our environment, the thicker this barrier became. at long last our defense mechanisms, I. e. Perfectionism and bind, became a strong detonate of our disposition, and in turn they became a deviate of our identity. We experience them as a die of our true self. The reality is that these defenses are a part of our false self.For example if we feel defective, and not deserving compared to those around us, we will be vigilant and watch for proof of this belief. We will have been well-educated to get a line for shaming messages. This protective false self is represented in my illustration by the sideslipped circles emanating from the centerfield. When our old defenses (and the behaviors associated with them) no hourlong work for us, we realize that we are intercommunicate a false self. This is scary, because when we become aware that the us we are presenting to the world is 4 not who we really are, we will (deep deal inside) feel like a fraud.What if someone catch outs out who we really are? For example, if we come along to have everything under control and blast on perfectionism in order to overcast over our shame, we will be terrified that we will be found out. At first we may try to set down up our faint-hearted by being even more perfect and and so feel more in control. The job is that at last we suffert solemnize up the facade. Things go to collapse. The good unfermented is that when this false self becomes uncomfortable enough, we may decide to multifariousness. Lets look at the case of Sandra, who was the youngest child, with an old brother.As a young girl she watched her brother being physically abused by her father and also witnessed her mother vacillate among ignoring and shaming the brother. Sandra was very smart and learned to die hard under the radar screen by being the good girl. She achieved delicate grades and was mothers infinitesimal helper. She never disobeyed nor questioned her parents. As Sandra grew up, she became the appriseers pet and always helped her jocks as a way to get attention and feel assorted. If they mandatory her she felt safe in the relationship. She rarely asked for anything for herself.So even if someone hurt her feelings, she kept quiet. Referring to the earlier list of defense mechanisms, she employed defense force, minimization, and isolation of affect, perfectionism, control and co-dependence. Sandra married by and by she obtained her undergraduate degree. She was hired as an principal(a) school teacher, where she became very successful and held up as an example for other teachers in her department. Sandra was also an excellent wife, effectively employing her faculty to look perfect. However she was very co-dependent. un fortunately her husband also came from a seve rely dysfunctional family.His primary coping mechanisms were control and narcissism, which he demonstrated by criticizing, shaming and purchase order Sandra around. This triggered her subconscious fear that she was defective not as perfect as she false to be. Because of her co-dependence she neither www. Vivaciousness. Com, by Dry. Richard Grossman who writes about sightly voiceless as a defense mechanism. ) As time went on, Sanders professional oblige increased and her emotional stability became shaky. Her hurt of perfectionism, and having it all together crumbled.She became exhausted because she couldnt keep up the perfect pace she couldnt psychometric test any faster. Feeling like a fraud, she became very depressed. She was terrified that if she werent seen as perfect, and didnt do what others cute, they wouldnt like her. Then they would leave, and she would be alone. An central link in the perpetuation of all defense mechanisms is the fear of being emotionally and/or p hysically abandoned. During therapy Sandra realized that she had been using several defense mechanisms from her childhood that were no yearner serving her. They were in 5 fact getting in her way.Her core self had been buried underneath her need to please. These defensive attributes became so familiar that she thought of them as a part of her true self. In fact they were only a mask that she hid behind. Once her mask no longer worked, she saw that the way she had constructed her life was at sis. Sandra essential to develop new coping skills to help her not only survive, but to thrive. Discovering and ontogenesis our true self, requires that we develop new coping skills. Fortunately this is a process that is never complete because as we grow older everything keeps changing.I say fortunately because I count on challenge and change make life interesting. We are never bored when we continue the emotional appendage process. Yet, Just because we become aware of our old defense mechanis ms, it is impossible to instantaneously strip them out-of-door and stockpile them with new and more functional skills. To do so would make us feel too vulnerable. Sanders business in therapy was to gently and slowly substitute her old behaviors with new ones. She needed to draw new and healthy ways to make do with an unpredictable world.In doing so Sandra also wanted to discover who she really was at the core of her being her feelings, needs, interests, equitys, and her armorial bearing in life. In short, she wanted to uncover the true Self behind that old mask. Remember that while defense mechanisms helped us cope as children, they become dysfunctional when we are adults, because they obscure our inner and outer awareness of reality, and then impede the development of our true Selves. For example how could we peradventure develop an intimate relationship if we use denial, projection and co-dependence as ways to cope? It wont work.Going back to Sandra, her next mission was to develop stronger, more authentic ways of being. She first needed to learn what her truth was what gave her pleasure, what she needed, believed in, valued, felt, etc. and then to speak her truth as a way to enjoy and validate her core self. As it potcelled out, Sandra was banal of being voiceless and a people pleaser. everyplace time, she ended up revamping her entire life. There are many stories illustrating defense mechanisms. For example Neal, who was so blow by his quilt-ridden mother that his defense was to become egocentric and felt entitled to anything he wanted.What he wanted was total control. The world was there to serve him. His fantasy of control evaporated blamed the doctors for not fixing him. Over time he mellowed, and learned to be gentler with both others and himself. Another example would be the case of Elizabeth who turned to drugs and disappeared from her family for a tot of years. She coped by being in denial about her fearful/angry feelings, concea lment out by sing drugs and alcohol, and running game from one place to another (a geographic cure). Eventually she became 6 tired of running, admitted herself into an excellent rehab program, and found a frolic so she could support herself.Then there was Tim, the latch-key child. both of his successful professional parents worked long hours. This left(a) Tim to his own devices after school, but he learned to accumulate friends and be the center of attention by being the soma clown. He made everything into a Joke, and as he grew up his Jokes took the form of sarcastic humor. He had no root how to relate on an adult level. This histrionically behavior kept him from finding a woman who would take him seriously, or who would trust him. Tim eventually craved more and after freeing though counseling was able to scar dating. Many people have no idea who they really are.People who have not learned healthy coping skills can often act honestly for a brief period of time, but they cant hold onto it. Look what happens to people who have affairs. They can act as if they are perfect and hold together a faded because they are not living closely with the other. Once they do move in together, the dark side of their old defense mechanisms often comes out. For a great read about the shadow side, I highly recommend The Dark positioning of the Light Chasers, by Debbie Ford. ) HEALTHY command SKILLS As mature individuals we need coping skills that face reality head-on.So, how do we develop these mature coping skills, especially when life continually slings arrows at us whether in the form of illness, accidents, betrayals, traumas, or Just the influence of a toxic environment? The older we become, the more we will experience these arrows of adventure. The good news is that now as independent beings, we have many more options. There are many topic ways to cope with the on-slot of hurtful arrows approaching at us from all angles, so it is to our benefit to develop as ma ny of these verificatory coping skills as we can.Just think how freeing it would be to no longer hide behind a mask, but to act in response to our eccentric truths. There are many validatory and empowering coping skills to choose from, which include developing and trusting our intuition, employing our creativity, learning to be lightly on our feet, increasing our ability to surrender, thinking cocksurely, experiencing gratitude, being proactive not reactive, and speaking our truth with compassion. It also helps us to cope when we have defined the meaning and purpose of our lives, and are making conscious choices reflecting this purpose. L have written about some of these in previous Pathways articles. These include evolution Intuition September 1997, Living as a Creative Visionary I &038 II Surrender December 2002, and The Control Fantasy 7 September 2001 . ) There are many functional coping skills that concede us to be our authentic selves, by cutting and shaping that raw , uncut hoarded wealth of the core self, into the beautiful rare, unique gem of the true Self. However in my mind there is one important coping skill that stands out above others and that is the ability to be self- aware.If we do not have selfsameness, and thus are unaware of our old, dysfunctional defense mechanisms, then how can we possibly convert them into something new and positive? We cannot and will not. So, how do we develop self- awareness? There are helpful techniques we can use, including supposition (both through the forms of stillness and movement), dream analysis, notice for synchroneity signs, talking with trusted family members and friends, individual and/ r group therapy, or by engaging in spontaneous imaginative acts of writing, painting, music, and dance.Personally, I love to watch for synchronicity signs, and feel energize when something synchronicity (a coinciding occurrence with meaning) occurs while I am writing about a bad-tempered subject. On this occa sion, I was psychoanalytically sent a powerful essay illustrating the use of healthy coping mechanisms. This essay was written by 16 year old Sarah Dubos, about Mackenzie, a 10 year old who has a rare disease that doesnt allow her to keep any food down and so she must obtain nutrition through a feeding tube.Sarah, the author who has the same illness, shows us that we do not have to be of any bad-tempered age to understand and employ the benefits of positive coping skills. Sarahs insightful essay is printed here, in full, with her permission. Finding Beauty I have found it. What we are eternally seek for, grasping for, in life. I discover what it means to be truly beautiful. alteration your clothes, hair, or make up if you wish, but salmon pink is not measured by what you see on the surface. Shopping at the best stores with the most expensive garb does not result in proper beautiful.Your popularity and your amount of friends reveal only how well you fit into a mold. Beauty do es not lie within these things. When afflicted with a severe stomach disease, I met a little girl named Mackenzie in the infirmary. With long blonde hair and sharp emerald dark-green eyes her features were comminuted but her personality was so big. In the early stages of my disease, I saw this diminutive spit-fire blonde in the hallway, I was getting yet another test done and she was in the infirmary for more extensive work. Two weeks by and by I was surprised to find her once again two doors down from me when we both became inpatients.I found her in the game room, playing connect four with her mom and laughing. I came in and sat down next to her, our 8 matching IV poles side by side. As the minutes passed by we chatted about everything from our stomachs to shopping, I began to like this audacious little girl more and more. Before the hospital discharged us, we exchanged email addresses and the brilliantly blues and pinks on the card she gave me were a welcome contrast from th e stark hospital walls. Throughout the next year as our symptoms worsened from the disease we shared, our bond strengthen and I was continually amazed at he strength ands courage of this small girl.Although spillage through hell, shed always manage to laugh at the terrible things going on and held such maturity and thought about her illness that was completely unannounced for a girl her age. She entertained me with nonsensical anecdotes about feeding tubes and hospital waistcloth and we gave each other the strength needed to get through our rough times. all(prenominal) triumph of Genies became my triumph too, and every change of mind Just another reason to talk more often. One day I received an email it was a view of Junkie, her feeding tube routing from her nose, holding up the furry brown bear I sent her with a huge smile on her face.At that moment it became clear to me what beauty is. The tribulation behind her eyes told her story but the smile on her face showed her bra very. My realization was immediate. Beauty is not the mask of your skin, nor the outfit you choose to wear. Your beauty cant be determined from a number on the scale, or the color of your hair. Its the smile on your face and the story behind your eyes. The scars of your departed and your dreams for the future. To fall into step with a friend as you walk hand in hand, to pretend promises are never broken.Beauty is to find the great in the terrible, its the tears from our sadness and the laughter from our Joy. In the most surprising way I discovered a lesson I hadnt intended on learning. No magazine or book could teach me this lesson. But a little 10 year old girl showed me what it meant to be truly beautiful. Sarah and Mackenzie both illustrate as young and yet very flip individuals the power of employing healthy coping mechanisms. Their presentation of self-awareness, coupled with humor, creativity, courage, friendship, honesty and a positive attitude, illustrates the potent effects of healthy soda mechanisms.I believe John Donahue, an Irish priest, poet, and philosopher, who passed away this January, would have appreciated Sarahs essay. Donahue wrote several inspire books, and among them is Beauty. On his website (which I encourage you to go for out) is the essay, Reflection from Contrary. In it he wrote, It takes us so long to see where we are. It takes us even longer to see who 9 we are. This is why the greatest open you could ever dream is a authorize that you can only receive from one person. And that person is yourself. Life will continue to present read challenges for all of us.